Where Did The Funny Go?

Absolutely nothing funny has happened in the past few months. The cats have been boring except for the ever enlarging rotting spot on Anti-Christ Cats, head. He's feral so he won't let me take him to the vet, even if, by some twist of fate, I WAS able, the vet's spouse would possibly be upset upon learning that he/she has become an instant full time caretaker of an invalid. And no, I don't mean the cat.

Nope, nothing funny or out of the ordinary in my usual humdrum existence. No drunks in my yard, no slips of the tongue from my vocally prolific elderly father, not even a mistimed expulsion of gas while in church (and that is ALWAYS funny)

There WAS a giant Raccoon on my porch the other night but she seemed to be as bored as I was. When I spotted her, she was munching on the cat food, casting a forlorn look at me as if to say
"I was the only one who could get away for mommy's day out, it was either this or eat the kids."
I knowingly nodded to her and wondered how many raccoons were out there, weary, worn, looking for a way out and wondering what their life would be like if they had made better choices and finished high school. At this moment, she's probably behind a Chili's, in the dumpster with her girlfriends, all of them wanting to munch on the discarded buffalo wings yet leaving them untouched because of the calories. They dab tissues at their melting eyeliner and knowingly listen to her vent her frustrations of the search for a husband who will stick around for more than a day or two after the honeymoon.
"He..he..(sniff, sob)..left me (sniff)during the gestational period!! WHAT WRONG WITH MEEEE-HE-HEEEeeeeeee!"
She starts crying uncontrollably, getting the attention of two rodents at the next dumpster who look at each other and shake their heads in disdain. Two of her girlfriends will then excuse themselves to go to the restroom where they will immediately start trashing her while trying to hide the fact that their own relationships were also on the rocks.

While the emotional plight of the raccoon is a cause that somebody will undoubtedly take up one day with telethons chocked full of parading Hollywood stars, it still doesn't help the fact that nothing remotely entertaining has happened lately. Where IS the funny? Where are the intoxicated, the jovial, the accident prone? Why can't there be a controlling, spiteful woman with 8 kids and can't dance be living in MY neighborhood

I have a weak stomach...

I was just in the local 7-11 and I suppose I have been going in there a bit too much. The clerks know me... maybe a bit too well..

I waited for the lady to get to the register from the task she was assigned to. When she walked up, she took a kleenex out and wiped her nose. She then took her index finger, held up the end of her nose and asked me..

"You see any boogers or snot in mah nose?"

I informed her that I did not.

Internally, I was gagging, externally, I was trying to remain poised. Coincidentally, the bag of peppered beef jerky I had just purchased, no longer held my interest.

Another point. My Cat, who I have affectionately named "Spiral Ham Cat" got into a fight with one of the local bully cats. He received a pretty big open head wound. I think I could see his skull. He was a feral cat who could not resist my sparkling personality. Well..that and the 20 pound bag of cat food I had purchased. I guess when you are used to eating moths, crickets and the dead carcasses of roadkill, Cat food is quite the temptation.

I could not pet him. The wound obviously wasn't bothering him much but it sure bothered me. He tried to rub up against me but I simply could not let him. I had to push him away several times. Yes it may sound cruel but it would have been much worse if I perhaps..threw up on him. I'm pretty sure it would have affected our relationship for quite a while.

The Cat Reformatted my Hard Drive

I got a new cell phone the other day. My old cell phone is still in great shape but the print on the screen was getting fuzzier and fuzzier..my arms weren't long enough to get a good focus on it. The cell phone came with software to sync it with my computer. I could manage my address book, daily task and the appointments with my many different psychiatrist (I kid... really)

Well.. the software decided it was going to be ornery. It would not recognize my cell phone when attached.. heck, it wouldn't even give the phone a polite nod as it walked by. Well.. With my vast knowledge of computers (which consist of knowing that you shut it down with the start button)I tried to fix its rudeness. I downloaded this, that and the other and finally hit that restart button and then waited for it to come back up. I waited and waited.. and waited but it apparently was mad at me and refused to get out of bed. It told me there was a corrupted file and I wondered how corrupt it could be. Was it going to slip some pantyhose on its head and rob a 7-11?

After a few hours of frantically trying to bring the puter back to life, I found a hidden system that would restore my settings.

It had two options. One was called a "destructive restore" that destroyed all your files, melted your DVD player and made fun of your weight, the other was a simple light rinse that refreshed your files like a spring rain on your garden.

It started out on the destructive part and you had to choose the lighter part, which is what I wanted.
I brought up the program and then had to leave it to go attend to a waiting task. When I came back, the cat had jumped up on my desk (which he had never, ever done before)and was laying across my keyboard.. with his big-ol foot resting right on the ENTER key. My files were melting right before my eyes and I began to wonder if I looked fat in the jeans I was wearing.

I haven't seen the cat in the last two days but I know he's around. The cat food keeps disappearing. I'm pretty sure he only comes out after I go to bed. I'm guessing he has a few lives left. I know I scared a couple out of him with the scream I let out.

Thanks to a few friends in the IT biz, I finally got the computer back up.

I took that cell phone software and buried it in the back yard in a lead box with a few cloves of garlic and a Bible.

I will have a simple phone.. just to talk on.

R.I.P Murder Cat Fred

As I feared would happen, Murder Cat Fred departed this life on December 13th 2009. The cats were chasing each other all over the lawn and Fred ran under the wheels of a car. They didn't have time to avoid him.

I wish I had not seen it happen.

Fred was a hoot to watch. He had calmed down quite a bit from when he first tried to kill me. He would allow me to pet him and even pick him up once in a while.

He had spent too much of his life as a wild animal and was not willing to be domesticated.. much like members of my family. To keep him safe from the outside world, he would have had to be caged. Again..much like my family..only the police keep THEM caged to keep the outside world safe.

An attack from Fred could come at any time. The things that set him off were numerous. Grabbing his tail, looking at him, not looking at him, reading a novel from an Author he didn't approve of.. it didn't really matter. He saw danger in the strangest places.

So.. Goodbye Murder Cat Fred. You will be missed.

Pecking orders and Sleazy Females.

This is a story about pecking orders. The list of players is as follows:

Murder Cat Fred
Evil Orange Marmalade Cat
Soon to be Pregnant Hussy Cat
Anti-Christ Cat

So... Murder Cat Fred used to be friends with Evil Orange Marmalade Cat. They would brush up against each other and were always together, plotting and scheming. Not only were they birds of a feather but they murdered and ate birds of a feather.. including most of the feathers. This lets me know they are tough because I can not eat the feathers of a chicken no matter how many times I've tried.

Yes, they were friends until Soon-To-Be-Pregnant-Hussy-Cat came by. Marmalade cat liked Hussy cat. Fred liked hussy cat too. One day they got into a big fight over her. Hussy cat sat back and watched the fight with mild amusement and a bag of microwave popcorn. Where she got the microwave, I do not know. I really must clean out the garage.

Now, Murder Cat Fred is afraid of Marmalade Cat. Marm Cat wants to brush up beside Fred and go for a beer like they used to but Fred backs off. He will no longer be a wing man. So yet another friendship is dashed because of a sleazy female. Fred needs to learn how to forgive and forget.

Entering stage right is Sweet Gray Cat. Sweet gray cat is sweet.. to me. I have the food. Sweet Gray Cat is afraid of Fred but not Marm Cat. He is ready to rip Marm cat a new one. Sweet cat seems to be defending Fred but Fred hates him. Apparently, Sweet cat does not like injustice and will fight for the underdog or cat as it may be no matter how convoluted the situation. Maybe I should change Sweet Cats name to ACLU Cat. If Sweet Cat starts to defend burglars inside my house after showing them where the hidden cash is.. I will do just that.

Anti-Christ cat is the king of the hill. Everyone is afraid of him and stays out of his way. I stay out of his way. If you don't, you are a fool and deserve to die. I can tell that Anti-Christ cat wants to be loved but his attitude is bad. I'm waiting for Hussy Cat to start chasing him soon. She is drawn to bad boys. She will pit Marm, Fred and Anti-Christ against each other just to watch them fight over her. Hussy cat needs to go back to her barstool and think about what she's doing over a shot of whiskey before she ends up being a drunken welfare mom.

I know this is not going to end well.

The Whimsical, Continuing Adventures Of Murder Cat Fred

Murder Cat Fred likes to play in the cemetery. Fred is enamored by the place for he spends many an hour frolicking amongst the graves. I think Fred has an unhealthy fascination with death. He didn't come by his name by stopping to smell the roses.. unless of course they were on top of a grave. There are many animals who live in the cemetery. Rats, Moles, Silver Foxes, Raccoons, Armadillos and Possums.

Murder Cat Fred met his first Possum last night. Fred was very curious about the weird cat with the nekkid tail. He swatted the tail several times as it swayed back and forth like a conductors baton, seemingly keeping time to the psychotic beat in Fred's brain.

I'm not sure what to name the Possum. I have no idea if the possum is a boy or a girl.. I am not about to check. It would be too weird.



There is another new contender for my attention hanging around. Actually he doesn't give a rats rear for my attention, he just wants food. I think he specifically wants to eat my soul. A friend suggested I name him "Rocky" because he is a huge mass of muscle and attitude. I will not name him that because he isn't as socially adept as Sylvester Stallone portrayed Rocky. I have decided to name him "Anti-Christ Cat" My neighbor said if she didn't know he was a cat, she would be scared to death of him. I do not share her sentiment, I know he's a cat and he still scares the crap out of me. This picture does not accurately portray his freakish girth. He is quite beautiful but supposedly, the anti-christ will be also. I'm waiting to see if they are one in the same. Murder Cat Fred will not have a chance against him.

The Whimsical, Continuing Adventures of Murder Cat

It has been awhile since I mentioned Murder Cat. For those who haven't read, Murder Cat is a feral cat that was holding me captive in my house. Every time I walked outside my house, Murder Cat would attack my feet and try to eat me. Over time, his routine became tedious to me and I was tired of cowering behind the couch.. so I decided to feed him. He became much more pleasant to be around after that and I didn't have to budget near as much money for band-aids.

Last night I heard some strange sounds outside so I got up to see what was going on. I was specifically wondering if Murder Cat, was indeed, back to murdering something. After looking around for a few seconds, I spotted him across the street in the cemetery. He saw me too and came running to me across the busy four lane avenue. He then came to a dead stop in the middle of said street, sat down and proceeded to lick himself. When he sauntered up to me I told him that grooming simply wasn't that important and that whatever he was doing over in the cemetery wasn't any of my business but to leave my Mother alone.



The above picture is of Murder Cat attacking a menacing brick that was apparently taunting him. Murder Cat does not suffer fools, bricks, blades of grass, gust of wind, or any other objects tangible or intangible..lightly.