Monday, July 16, 2012

To The Lady Wanting A Ride.

Just went to 7-11 to get eggs and there was a lady standing outside the store. She didn't say anything to me when I walked in but when I came out she very excitedly asked "Can You Take Me To My House??!!  Somebody Broke Into My House!! It's Just Right Over Here!!"

Well.. ok lady but answer me this:

Why are you standing outside a 7-11 if someone broke into your house? Did you run away? If so, why do you want to go back? If I know there are boogelers in my house I ain't going anywhere near it. I am hauling my fat hiney somewheres else and eating my weight in balogna sandwiches till I stop being scared.

Why aren't you walking towards your house if it's just "right over here?" Did you say to yourself "OH DEAR GOD THERE"S A BURGLAR IN MY HOUSE I NEED A SLURPEE!!!!"

No, probably not.

No.. the most logical answer is going to be that you are a "lot lizard" or in other terms..

A hooker. A lady of the evening. A prostitute. 

You wait in parking lots and then ask for a ride from unsuspecting gentlemen and large women that wear plaid. When you get inside the car you offer forth the terms of an agreement that concludes with them handing over their money or being killed by your "manager" or you yelling out the window that you are being molested.

I'm sorry maam. I can't do that.
I can't give you a ride.

It just didn't add up.

By the way.. if I'm wrong.. I am SO, SO Sorry!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Ode To My Drug Dealing Neighbors

Ode to my neighbors:

I see you, see you in the street
I see your head, I see your feet
I see you talk to passing cars
They come from places quite afar

I see you exchange this and that
I wonder "Goodness, what be dat?"
What oh what is going on?
You have nice cars
They be real phat

I see them come day and night
I see you get into a fight
Boom and bang
Smash and pow
I'm sure you don't follow Mao

I hope I hope, you get caught
I hope its soon I hope you rot
My neighborhood, has been ruined
By smackity smack and potty pot pot

Leave, leave and do it now
I'm having a fit and maybe a cow
You're scummity scum and dirty dirt dirt
You're in for a world of hurty hurt hurt.

Copyright 2012. All rights reserved

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Life After Heart Surgery

Well It has been such a long time since I updated this blog. I had an excuse. Seems I had a heart valve that loved me so much it wanted to surprise me... with leaving.

Now.. Lord knows I haven't eaten as I should over the years and I thought "Well, I guess it serves me right". Come to find out my arteries were so clean you could let a toddler suck apple juice through them. THIS little gift was a complication of childhood strep throat. yes, my heart has been damaged since I was 7 years old. The leaky heart valve has been waiting and biding its time, crouched down behind the couch for 40+ years just so it could turn the lights on and yell "SURPRISE!!!" That's some patience right there!

I can see it... crouched down for all those years, waiting and plotting, suppressing an occasional giggle and biding it's time until it could reveal itself.

Well dearest heart valve..IT WASN'T FUNNY.. but danged if I wasn't surprised.


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I'm 50 year old man who prays he won't take anyone out with him when he finally loses it. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012