Monday, August 24, 2009

Feral Cats Are Trying To Kill Me.

So.. I go outside the other night and one of the feral cats that my dear sweet neighbor feeds is on my front porch. She starts looking straight at my toes like she is about to perform a science experiment... her almond shaped pupils fixed, reminding me of a corpse on a TV crime show. I decide to wiggle them a bit.. my mistake. She pounces and starts gnawing like a teething infant with 'roid rage.

I let out a tiny little yelp that startles the cat and brings the next door neighbors running outside with boxes of food and water. They scream at me they heard the siren and I should follow them to the storm shelter. I gently reassured them that it was only me and informed them of the cat attack and to go back inside. The mother pulled her children closer to them and looked at me with disdain and an arched eyebrow. The cats have run away, no doubt to gather the troops and plan another reconnaissance mission.

Anyway, I go back outside to get the morning paper for my elderly dad and TWO of the assailants start to attack. One tries to trip me up while the original culprit starts to attack my toes again. She is out for blood like a jilted at the alter, never married before middle aged woman. I am able to safely get back inside but not before the miniature assassin got in a few good bites to get to the chewy nougat center of my big toe.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. It's illegal to feed stray animals in my city yet, I'd rather not be the subject of a documentary on Animal Planet. Should I go ahead and feed them? Should I call the city to come pick them up and break the next door neighbors heart? Should I go with carpet or tile in my living room?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Starting a Diet

Today, I shall start a diet, oops, I mean a lifestyle change. We mustn't call it a diet. The word diet has bad connotations connected with it. Why? Well, I for one remember when Weight Watchers first came on the scene. It was extremely limited in what you could eat. Most of the menus had hay and tree bark as a staple. Now I don't have anything against WW at all. I'd be on it if I could afford the extra money and will no doubt use some of the recipes. However, when my mother first started the meetings I recollect a few of the recipes she used. One particular memory was when she made hamburgers.. only instead of hers being nestled in the confines of a lovely toasted bun..she had it wrapped in lettuce leaves with a sliced tomato and a bit of mustard inside. She actually was ahead of her time because these day you pay MORE for lettuce wrapped food.
I don't know if you've ever tried this concoction but tomato pulp is kinda slippery, combined with the mustard, the meat patty kept slipping out of the lettuce "bun" and falling on the floor with every bite. Sorta like the patty knew this was a grievous error in hamburger etiquette and was making an escape attempt in a culinary equivalent of a child's slip-n-slide. My father, brother and me, being the supportive family that we were, laughed our heads off every time it happened. After a few more bites and picking the meat off the floor for the umpteenth time. She burst into tears and fled the room. I realize now that the Weight Watchers recipe was PLANNED that way and was really going for the exercise aspect people would get while bending over multiple times to pick up the patty and then running away. The tears were extra.

Another recipe she would force us to eat was cheese toast with low fat cheddar cheese. This had to be the most ungodly food creation ever invented next to powdered milk but if SHE was on the diet, WE would be too. She wasn't going to suffer alone by golly and I'm sure she was thinking that if we were eating the same meals, we couldn't make fun of her. She severely underestimated the cruelty quotient of young boys. You see, we were the kind of children who invented ways to irritate her. Like the time we declared medieval war on our father and made our spoons into tiny trebuchets to launch green peas on him while he was sleeping on the couch. Our true goal was not to exasperate our mother but to get our dog to jump up on top of our father in order to eat the tiny green treats. We figured we could be gone by the time he woke up, realized what was going on and that the evidence would already be disposed of by way the dogs digestive tract. The only problem was that the dog was a bit pickier than we anticipated and came to the conclusion that she could live without green peas... but not until after she made that first fateful leap onto his face. We spent the first 5 minutes trying to out run my fathers swinging belt and the next hour picking up our little projectiles.

But back to the cheese toast.. thank God it didn't last long. The final straw was when Weight Watchers apparently conspired with the Hemlock Society to enhance the toast recipe into individual pizzas made with tomato paste and more of that low fat cheddar cheese on white bread. Tomato paste is ok in its own right. Any number of recipes can be made into a delectable feast with it. Smeared on white bread by itself is like eating concentrated ketchup. It's evil. With every bite you could hear Satan chuckle for he knew the diet would soon be over and you'd die of a heart attack sooner. The joke is on him because if the future included cheese toast you'd welcome that death with open arms.

I shall leap into my new lifestyle change with glee... but there sure as heck ain't gonna be any cheese toast anywhere near me.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Should I Invite Her to Dinner?

Lynette "Squeeky" Fromm has been released from prison. The prison is only about 15 minutes from my house. Should I invite her to dinner to be neighborly?

Now if you all remember your history, You'd know that Miz Fromme was one of Charles Mansons girlfriends way back a long time ago. What is the proper way to interact with someone who tried to assassinate a president? Just ain't all that easy to answer.

Now I'm sure Miz Lynette is just about starved for some homecookin. After all, the stuff they serve in the joint ain't about to make 'Bon Appetit' any time soon. I just wanna be real dang careful not to upset the woman. I mean.. If I serve mashed potatoes is she gonna start digging through it with her fingers lookin for ground up glass? If I use real cutlery, will she commence to start carvin' another X into her forehead at the dining room table?

Should I serve Wine with dinner? Should I do like prisoners do and make the wine in the toilet to make her feel at home? Lord knows the girl is gonna feel out of place for awhile. Maybe I'll just fill the toilet with ice and chill the bottle in there.. yup.. that'll have to do.

Well, we will see if she will come by, She's gonna be in the neighborhood I'm sure and it would be downright rude if I don't at least ask her. I'll let you know how it goes.

P.S. I'll just be sure to leave some Murphys oil soap in the cabinet above the wall oven just in case she tries to write "Helter Skelter" on the walls with the pickled beets.. or something...


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I'm 50 year old man who prays he won't take anyone out with him when he finally loses it. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012