Tuesday, December 15, 2009

R.I.P Murder Cat Fred

As I feared would happen, Murder Cat Fred departed this life on December 13th 2009. The cats were chasing each other all over the lawn and Fred ran under the wheels of a car. They didn't have time to avoid him.

I wish I had not seen it happen.

Fred was a hoot to watch. He had calmed down quite a bit from when he first tried to kill me. He would allow me to pet him and even pick him up once in a while.

He had spent too much of his life as a wild animal and was not willing to be domesticated.. much like members of my family. To keep him safe from the outside world, he would have had to be caged. Again..much like my family..only the police keep THEM caged to keep the outside world safe.

An attack from Fred could come at any time. The things that set him off were numerous. Grabbing his tail, looking at him, not looking at him, reading a novel from an Author he didn't approve of.. it didn't really matter. He saw danger in the strangest places.

So.. Goodbye Murder Cat Fred. You will be missed.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Pecking orders and Sleazy Females.

This is a story about pecking orders. The list of players is as follows:

Murder Cat Fred
Evil Orange Marmalade Cat
Soon to be Pregnant Hussy Cat
Anti-Christ Cat

So... Murder Cat Fred used to be friends with Evil Orange Marmalade Cat. They would brush up against each other and were always together, plotting and scheming. Not only were they birds of a feather but they murdered and ate birds of a feather.. including most of the feathers. This lets me know they are tough because I can not eat the feathers of a chicken no matter how many times I've tried.

Yes, they were friends until Soon-To-Be-Pregnant-Hussy-Cat came by. Marmalade cat liked Hussy cat. Fred liked hussy cat too. One day they got into a big fight over her. Hussy cat sat back and watched the fight with mild amusement and a bag of microwave popcorn. Where she got the microwave, I do not know. I really must clean out the garage.

Now, Murder Cat Fred is afraid of Marmalade Cat. Marm Cat wants to brush up beside Fred and go for a beer like they used to but Fred backs off. He will no longer be a wing man. So yet another friendship is dashed because of a sleazy female. Fred needs to learn how to forgive and forget.

Entering stage right is Sweet Gray Cat. Sweet gray cat is sweet.. to me. I have the food. Sweet Gray Cat is afraid of Fred but not Marm Cat. He is ready to rip Marm cat a new one. Sweet cat seems to be defending Fred but Fred hates him. Apparently, Sweet cat does not like injustice and will fight for the underdog or cat as it may be no matter how convoluted the situation. Maybe I should change Sweet Cats name to ACLU Cat. If Sweet Cat starts to defend burglars inside my house after showing them where the hidden cash is.. I will do just that.

Anti-Christ cat is the king of the hill. Everyone is afraid of him and stays out of his way. I stay out of his way. If you don't, you are a fool and deserve to die. I can tell that Anti-Christ cat wants to be loved but his attitude is bad. I'm waiting for Hussy Cat to start chasing him soon. She is drawn to bad boys. She will pit Marm, Fred and Anti-Christ against each other just to watch them fight over her. Hussy cat needs to go back to her barstool and think about what she's doing over a shot of whiskey before she ends up being a drunken welfare mom.

I know this is not going to end well.


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I'm 50 year old man who prays he won't take anyone out with him when he finally loses it. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012