Friday, February 11, 2011

You've Been Talking in Your Sleep..

Since I got the dog fixed, I haven't been getting a lot of sleep the past few days so I took some time to steal a nap today. It was reeeeaaaaaallly nice.. for a bit. I started to dream.. it was creeping into nightmare category when my dog jumped up on the bed and licked me in the mouth to wake me up.

I would not recommend letting your dog lick you in the mouth. It's matter how lonely you may be. I think it is also illegal in several states including Hawaii and Puerto Rico... oh wait.. that's for entering contest. Nevermind.

Anywhooo.. I dreamed that a bunch of bank employees had come into my home. They were there to escort my mother down to the bank to sign some legal papers. Now my mom has been dead for 15 years so I have no idea why she'd be coming back to do much of anything unless it was to yell at me to clean my bedroom.
So I'm standing there in my bedroom (Yes mom, I WAS embarrassed they saw the mess, you win) and the window was missing leaving a large hole in the wall. Two slovenly bank employees were standing right by the windowless window, smoking cigarettes. I have no idea what significance slovenly bank people have in my life or why I'd be dreaming of them but most of them I've met seem to bathe on a regular basis and they have the decency to stay out of my dreams.

So they wanted my mom to hurry up. I went to get her and I found her dressed in what I can only describe as a Leprechaun outfit.. a sequined leprechaun outfit. Now while I do not personally know any leprechauns, I do have some friends who are rather short in stature albeit none of them are hiding vast pots of gold or shouting out "They're magically delicious!! in an Irish brogue.

I informed my mom that she would have to change clothes and left. She came out of her bedroom in a gold lame evening gown. While bank employees do indeed, dress well, I felt she was still a bit overdressed for the occasion.

I don't know what happened next because that's when my dog jumped up on the bed and did that awful thing she did. I'm still gagging as I write this.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

My Dog Hates Me Now

As in my last post I wrote that I was taking my Cattle Dog "Baby" to be spade. Well the big day came yesterday. One requirement was to have her rabies certificate to prove she'd had her shots but I could not find it. I was supposed to go back to the clinic and get a copy...which I forgot to do. She was to be at the clinic at 8:00am and at 2:00am I was furiously throwing the contents of my desk drawers onto the floor. Not that I'm messy and unorganized or anything but after sending in an application video of my house, the TV show "Hoarders" sent me a rejection letter that only had the words "Oh God NO!" written on it.
At any rate, I found the original certificate stuck to the side of my desk drawer with some old chewing gum.

The drive over was supposed to take 20 minutes according to Mapquest which I should have questioned after seeing "Last Updated June 1995" at the bottom of the screen.
We eventually got to the spay and neuter clinic where Baby flew out of the truck after spotting a potential new boyfriend in a handsome Beagle. (I hated to tell her that her timing was WAY off on this one.)

I reluctantly left her and continued home to wait until I could pick her up. When I went back, she was happy to see me. She was also happy to see the wind and various other objects that were apparently dancing merrily around in her head. She drunkenly walked with me to the truck, stumbling like a frat girl on her way to an eventual early morning "Walk Of Shame."

She had to wear a plastic lampshade on her head to keep her from licking her stitches. I understood the reasons since my elderly dad once had surgery and I had a heck of a time trying to stop him from doing the same thing.

My outside cat normally tries his best to ignore Baby who usually tries to get him to play when he comes into the house but this time he spotted the lampshade on her head, saw how lethargic she was and stopped dead in his tracks. He stared at her as if to say "What the crap is that"?

Since she has awakened a bit more as the day has progressed shes made the best of her situation and used the cone to scrape up the snow from the ground and throw it up in the air to catch it in her mouth... I took it as a hint to fill up her water bowl.

She's doing better now and is alternately pawing at the cone then pawing my hand to take it off.

It's going to be a long week.


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I'm 50 year old man who prays he won't take anyone out with him when he finally loses it. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012