Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Where Did The Funny Go?

Absolutely nothing funny has happened in the past few months. The cats have been boring except for the ever enlarging rotting spot on Anti-Christ Cats, head. He's feral so he won't let me take him to the vet, even if, by some twist of fate, I WAS able, the vet's spouse would possibly be upset upon learning that he/she has become an instant full time caretaker of an invalid. And no, I don't mean the cat.

Nope, nothing funny or out of the ordinary in my usual humdrum existence. No drunks in my yard, no slips of the tongue from my vocally prolific elderly father, not even a mistimed expulsion of gas while in church (and that is ALWAYS funny)

There WAS a giant Raccoon on my porch the other night but she seemed to be as bored as I was. When I spotted her, she was munching on the cat food, casting a forlorn look at me as if to say
"I was the only one who could get away for mommy's day out, it was either this or eat the kids."
I knowingly nodded to her and wondered how many raccoons were out there, weary, worn, looking for a way out and wondering what their life would be like if they had made better choices and finished high school. At this moment, she's probably behind a Chili's, in the dumpster with her girlfriends, all of them wanting to munch on the discarded buffalo wings yet leaving them untouched because of the calories. They dab tissues at their melting eyeliner and knowingly listen to her vent her frustrations of the search for a husband who will stick around for more than a day or two after the honeymoon.
"He..he..(sniff, sob)..left me (sniff)during the gestational period!! WHAT WRONG WITH MEEEE-HE-HEEEeeeeeee!"
She starts crying uncontrollably, getting the attention of two rodents at the next dumpster who look at each other and shake their heads in disdain. Two of her girlfriends will then excuse themselves to go to the restroom where they will immediately start trashing her while trying to hide the fact that their own relationships were also on the rocks.

While the emotional plight of the raccoon is a cause that somebody will undoubtedly take up one day with telethons chocked full of parading Hollywood stars, it still doesn't help the fact that nothing remotely entertaining has happened lately. Where IS the funny? Where are the intoxicated, the jovial, the accident prone? Why can't there be a controlling, spiteful woman with 8 kids and can't dance be living in MY neighborhood


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I'm 50 year old man who prays he won't take anyone out with him when he finally loses it. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012