Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Trip To Walmart

So I take Daddy to Wallmart to get groceries for the week. This is a ritual not to be taken lightly. Taking an 80 year old anywhere is an experience you should not miss. First we went to the Bank for cash because he hates to write a check at Walmart.

ME: "Why can't you write a check? I ask..

HIM: "Because"

ME: "Because why?"

HIM: "Because they give the check back to you"

ME: "Why's that a bad thing? You get the check back so it doesnt go through as many hands and keeps evil cashier people at walmart from having access to your account number"

HIM: "I just don't like it"

I suspend the conversation at this point because once he says "I just don't like it" there will be no clear winner...ever.

So we pull up close to the bank and he tells me to pull over to the side. This "side" he talks about has a Parking lot.. as we get closer he points to the parking lot with no verbal direction. I pull into the lot and see that there are no spaces available so I say:

ME: "go ahead get out and go in then I'll find a space"

HIM: "Well I told you to pull to the side" (HE meant the curb but didn't say it)

ME: ......................

I wasn't going to push the subject, Obviously he was attempting to project his thoughts into my brain by concentrating hard and pointing with his finger. A talent of a true Jedi master that is only perfected when you reach 80 years of age. (or your a woman)

I drive around the corner of the lot and see a space so I pull in only to look towards the bank building and see two large SUV's blocking my sight of the front door. Simple reasoning tells me HE won't be able to see ME either so I back out and pull under some trees to wait. A few minutes later someone comes out and pulls out of a space located directly across from the front door.

I ready my mind to pounce upon the available oasis of convenience and get ready to engage in battle with anyone who might have the same idea. Nobody is waiting so I craftily dash into the available spot and wait.

Daddy comes out in a few minutes and looks directly at me.. then turns his gaze to the right.. then to the left..and back to the right. "He doesn't see me" I say to myself, so I lightly honk the delicate horn on my little Isuzu to alert him to my whereabouts. He looks right at me.. then to the right.. and again to the left. I decide to honk again but I let the signal blare a bit longer hoping I don't scare the beejesus out of the other 80 year old man standing by the car parked on my right. Hearing the horn, the other 80 year old man looks up...to the right and then to the left....."hmm" I think.. "must be contagious".
Daddy then looks straight at me and after a few seconds you can see the light turn on and he sees me. He gets in the truck and we continue our happy trek towards Walmart.

We go up and down each isle as he tells me what he wants and I go to pick it up and put it in the basket. He peruses over the prices and says..." Got Dang that's high priced!" (Edited for language) I pick it up and put it back on the shelf, saying goodbye to the Red Delicious apples, knowing we will not be enjoying them this week or perhaps ever again.

We finish our shopping and proceed to the checkout counter seeing a choice of a line with a live Walmart cashier and five people with full baskets or an EMPTY line at the Self-checkout. I start walking towards the people-less self checkout when Daddy says

HIM: "Why ain't you going to the line with the cashier"

ME: "Because they all have lots of people in them, this is faster"

HIM: "I don't like these, it ain't right"

ME: (FAMOUS LAST WORDS BEFORE MY IMPENDING DESTRUCTION) "Oh, Its fine, its going to be much faster than waiting in those lines".... sigh......

I drag each item happily across the scanner and was about to congratulate myself on finding an empty line to show my unbelieving Father how fast and convenient these self-checkout lines really are when the trouble started....

The total came to $107.17 and my Father pulls out a huge wad of $20 bills flashing them in his hand to all who were in line around us, people who were surely just out of prison for robbing 80 year old men at gunpoint. I take the greenbacks and start feeding them them one by one into the machine as it flashes the countdown on its shiny, trustworthy screen.
I finish paying the $107 with five 20's, a five dollar bill and two ones. Daddy then digs in his pocket for the 17 cents..(I forgot to tell him it makes change) he gives me the exact change and I triumphantly start to feed it to the electronic marvel only to hear a "Plunk" and seeing the coins come back to me in the return slot. I try again with the dime, nickel and two pennies just to have them vomited back at me whilst a guttural growl comes from the technological wonder in front of me.

I ask my Father for another dollar bill so we can get out of there and I can save face from my decision not to go to a living, breathing Walmart cashier. He tells me he doesn't have one so I ask for a quarter and insert it only to see it take the same route of its ancestors and go into the return coin slot.

I take my trusty checkcard and tell my Father: "I'll take care of this real quick" only to be met with the Darth Vader-esque stare from a man who has already declared victory over his unworthy opponent and is ready to go home and watch Andy Griffith.

I swipe the card and enter my PIN number and a few seconds later the evil screen flashes a message of "incorrect PIN number, please try again". so I swipe the card again, not yet conceding victory to the Jedi master who is getting ready to melt my brain by pointing his finger at my sweat beaded head.

The screen once again tells me that it can't recognize the transaction
so I call over the live Walmart cashier who has cast much favor with 80 year old men everywhere. She cant make the machine work either. She calls a manager who brings out a huge ring full of keys that obviously unlock the mysterys of the Universe. She is also unsuccessful at getting it to co-operate. They call for back-up.

I see people behind me getting impatient and hear their death threats in my mind. They try to push through to get out so I gently push my shopping cart gently to the side.. only to hear a "Bonk" noise.. kinda like the sound a gallon jar of sour dill pickles that has fallen 4 inches from the bottom of the cart to the ground and lost its lid sounds... much like that.. in fact.. EXACTLY like that.

They call a maintence tech to come over and clean up the briny mess while still trying to figure out how we can pay the 17 cents still due. Nobody can figure it out and my Father is looking at me ready to negate my existence with a death ray because he is missing Andy Griffith. The Lady who came over with a mop and bucket looked at the gallon jar and said "maaan.. I never did like pickles that much"

I go to get another jar of sour dill pickles to replace the one that committed suicide from my cart and leaked its pungent ecto-plasma over the floor and under the register guaranteeing that its memory will linger for weeks or months.

They finally get the machine to work where we can go on our happy way. We get home and Daddy says.. "dang.. they charged us for two jars of those pickles.."

I didn't dare tell him I was the one who ran it twice...

I called my bank when I got home to see what was wrong with my card and related my story to the customer service rep who was laughing so hard she couldn't help me. Next time.. we go to a live cashier.....


annah40 said...

Doug already acts like this and he is only 51. You DO NOT want to go to Walmart with this man. 1-800-Walmart knows who he is and has his number blocked.

Tuesday is 1/2 price burger night at Sonic, so Tuesday I told him "its too hot for you to cook, I'll just stop at Sonic and get 1/2 price burgers." His reply how much will they be? A $1.00. My reply they're under $2.50, so that would make them $1.25. His reply "Well if you want to pay their inflated prices, be my guest."

JoeyfromSC said...

ROFLMAO! OMG I just found your blog via southern plates blog(which I just found also) and you're hilarious!! lol

You're a fantastic writer! I haven't had time but to skim, but will be back! Have you written a book? you should!:)

You have a way of making us feel like we're there and your descriptions are just priceless!

A new fan,

JoeyfromSC said...

oh and lmao@annah40 with doug's number being blocked by Wal-mart! hysterical!

I am all for making sure things ring up correctly at stores and all, but sometimes, I bite the bullet and let it go..The few cents is NOT worth the aggravation lol

Bill said...

Annah Kathy! Heh, I gotta meet Doug now. Let's just hope it's not professionally since he is a cop.

Joey, Thank you so much. That means a lot to me!

Yall have a wonderful day!

Simply Me said...

I love Walmart. Not to buy stuff but just to people watch. Some days, I'd actually pay just to hang out. Great Blog!

Mary at My New 30 said...

Oh my gosh Bill, I about fell out on the floor halfway through this one! You know, I never had a good experience with those self checkouts, so I refuse to use them at all now. Every single time there is a "problem."

Bill said...

Mary, Those machines are indeed a pain in the hiney. The only time I will ever go to one is if I only one or two items. Thank Ya maam!

Mommy's Kitchen said...

Oh Bill that cracks me up. What a trip to wally world. I see so many little elderly people writing out hte checks at Walmart and then when the cashier hands it right back they just look at them. A lot of folks at least the older ones still write checks, hard habit to break.

felica said...

Ok, between you, and Christy (on Southern Plate--and, yes, I think I followed the same link you did JoeyfromSC) You really made me laugh on this wet, rainy, cold day in Fort Worth! Thanks, so much!

Bill said...

Thank you Felica! I appreciate your comments so much! It is indeed rainy in Fort Worth today. I wonder if we are going to get any snow?


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I'm 50 year old man who prays he won't take anyone out with him when he finally loses it. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012