Tuesday, July 14, 2009

When You're About To Be Murdered.

I was in my kitchen, cooking a roast, adding spices, savoring the aromas wafting my senses when I looked out the window and saw that somebody had dumped two trash bags on my neighbors lawn. "Why do people have no concern for the property of others?" I fumed. I took another look outside and I noticed something sticking out from the trash bags...feet.

I knew I needed to go check it out but I considered that the rest of the body, and no tellin who else just might be chopped up in those trash bags. Throwing caution to the wind and turning the fire down under the pot roast, I proceeded outside to what I was pretty sure going to be somethin really yucky.
I got outside and much to my relief, there was an completely intact human laying beside the bags. Still didn't know who was in those trash bags, but it wasn't him. Heck, he may be using himself as a decoy. Some sympathetic soul leans over the see if he's breathin and "whack!..". He was partially laying in the street so I knew I had to act fast since much larger things, like cars, have been over looked and run over at that corner. If people couldn't see cars, they sure as heck wouldn't see him.

I called 911 and told them there was a mass murderer lying in my neighbors yard and could they come get him before he hopped up and started murderin.
The 911 operator asked me if I was sure he was dead and I said I was as sure as I wanted to be cause I wasn't any gettin closer to find out. I didn't want to be chopped up in those bags, I wouldn't be able to breathe.

The 911 operator was a persistent woman and wasn't gonna let me off the hook.

911: Is he breathing sir?

Me: I can't tell.. he's wearing a heavy coat. (Thus I figured the reason he was laying there in the first place since it was 100 degrees outside)

911: Ok sir.. can you give him a little kick to wake him up?
Now I don't know where this 911 operator was from but here in Texas, we civilized folk don't normally go around kickin dead people we haven't formally been introduced to. I guess I coulda leaned over and tickled him sayin' "gitchee gitchee goo" but that decoy thing kept poppin up in my head.
I gave him a little nudge with my foot and called out to him, no response. The 911 operator said she was sending paramedics out and they would be arriving shortly.

The firetruck came up blaring it's siren. I guess that loud siren was enough to scare his soul back into his body. I didn't know that could happen but it did cause sure enough, he sat up right as rain. I live across from a cemetery too.. ain't no tellin how many people are over there lookin around going "What the crud..?"

The paramedic started taking to him and asking him questions..

Medic: Sir, what is your name?

Previously Dead Man: Jaime Martinez.

Medic: Sir are you ok?

Previously Dead Man: Jaime Martinez.

Medic: Sir, Are you hurt?

PDM: Jaime Martinez.

Well, they stood ol Jaime up and he immediately stumbled into our four lane street. He was about to be killed all over again.

Well, Jaime walked off with his bags of dead people and I stood there really embarrassed that I'd called 911 for somebody that was just takin a nap.

I'm just glad the roast was ok.


Jennifer said...

Maybe you should find an agent and start a book.

Bill said...

Planning on it. Doing the copyright thing already. Thank you for coming by!

Mary at My New 30 said...

LOL Bill. I don't know if that's for real or fiction, but HILarious just the same! I emailed you back on the copyright stuff.

Bill said...

Mary..lol, It happened. I took a bit of creative liberty but it sure happened. I yelled at that man and nudged him but he was out cold. Probably because I wasn't saying "Hey Mister" in the right language.

~Brittainy said...

He got lucky, my husband would have been armed and ready to go.

PAULA said...

Don't ya hate when that happens...lol


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I'm 50 year old man who prays he won't take anyone out with him when he finally loses it. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012