What I Want For My Funeral.

Dear Family and Friends:

Since I have been surrounded by the passing away and illnesses of close friends the past few months I have been thinking about what I want if my time to cross the pearly gates comes anytime soon.

First of all, I must insist on NO OPEN CASKET! I don't want to be displayed like a Christmas window at Macys for everyone to come by and gawk at. They prop your head up at a 90 degree angle with a lacy pillow that forces your double chin to become much more pronounced, making people wonder if your bloodline had been previously infiltrated by an AKC registered bloodhound.

I don't care what you do with my body. You can wait till midnight and throw my happy hiney over the cemetery gates if you want. You may put me in the back of the truck, take me to a field and declare an all you can eat to the animal kingdom. Donate me to science and see if they can find a cure for bacon addiction. I really don't care.

What I DO Want:

I want mostly music for my memorial service. I don't want a traditional funeral. Open the church up for several hours on that day and play the songs that touched my heart. Let people come and go as they please all day long. They can come in, sit down, listen, then leave when they have had enough or they need to go to the bathroom.

Start with songs I loved as a child. Jesus Loves Me is perhaps the first one I ever learned. Then play "Silent Night" and "Away in A Manger" because I vividly remember learning those in Kindergarten.

I would like the following songs included: You may have to Google the titles.

"There's Always Tomorrow" from Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (The one Clarice sings to Rudolph)

"Let The Sun Shine In" The one Pebbles and BamBam sang on The Flintstones.

"The Hukilau Song" I remember when I was in the nursery at an Elementary school program. I wasn't in school yet but my older brother was and some of the kids did this song. I have loved it ever since.

The following songs from my teen and adult years need to be included.

Copacobana by Barry Manilow. Yes that's right, I said it.. Copacobana. I am a Fanilow and I don't care who knows it. I would prefer a motorized mirror ball be hung somewhere in the church when these start to play and a spotlight shined on it. What can I say.. disco is still alive and will rule forevermore in my heart. If people want to come in and dance.. let them flail their arms to their hearts content. I wouldn't want it any other way.

The following songs need to be added:

Brick House by The Commodores
Shake Your Booty by KC and the Sunshine Band
Shake Your Groove Thing By Peaches and Herb
Flashlight by Parliament


Now, lets get a bit serious:
I want some songs that made my spirit soar. Songs that God used to touch me to the center of my soul. Oh.. please turn off the mirror ball when these start..

I've Just Seen Jesus by Sandi Patty and Larnelle Harris
Friends by Michael W Smith
We Shall Behold Him by Sandi Patty
Bethlehem Morning by Sandi Patty (Hmmm.. seeing a pattern here?)
Oh Holy Night
What Child Is This
Bound For Jubilee
Dream On by Larnelle Harris


I want it to end with this one:
Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Well.. that's it.. a little humor.. but I'm serious about this. Let the music tell my story. It will do it better than anyone else could.

See you on the other side Joe.

This is about my childhood friend, Joe Moos. He passed away on Sunday, September 26th 2010.
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Well Joe, you certainly messed up our plans to establish a retirement home for crotchety old Carter-Riverside guys. We won't be able to sit out on the porch, wave our canes in the air and yell at the kids to get off our lawn. I was looking forward to that. You lived a long life in your 46 years, much longer than others your same age.



I don't know why but I clearly remember when I first met you. You were about 4 years old when I rode my bicycle passed your house on my way to Tootsie Hartsells house to play with Rena and Glenda. You chased me down the sidewalk and yelled at me to get away from your house. I guess you thought I was a menacing, 6 year old threat.



We became friends over the years, You, Me, Gary Foster and Michael Trevino. Our summer days were spent riding our bikes through the creek, skateboarding all over the neighborhood, playing hide and go seek in the cemetery and throwing water balloons at cars from all the hiding places in that same cemetery. All of you are gone now, first Michael, then Gary, now you. You all left way too early.. and took a part of my childhood with you.



We watched you as diabetes took the youth away from your body.. but not your soul. The failed kidney transplants, the stints in your arteries, the leg amputation, the fire that burned you all over your upper body, the more than 30 surgeries you endured.. Yet, you never gave up. You never cried "Uncle" or let it stop you from doing what you wanted to do. Lesser men would have given up. Lesser men would have let the darkness take over, but you didn't. You didn't throw in the towel, you didn't roll over. You saw your limitations and said "Ahhh Screw-em". You worked hard until the moment you took your final breath on earth and your first one while being embraced in the loving arms of God.



You were the quintessential crotchety but lovable old fart. We were even laughing about it as we said goodbye to you in the hospital. Your rants and raves when somebody didn't do to suit you. When they didn't do as promised. When they seemed to have forgotten you and didn't call. I can emphatically say now "It's their loss".



It's not going to be the same without you. No more phone calls while you waited for your dialysis to be done. No more conversations about barbecue pits, catching feral cats or what items the grocery stores had on sale that week. I'll miss the calls about which neighbors were just picked up by the cops or needed code enforcement called on them. I'll have to stay in better contact with other neighbors to see how they are because you did that for me. You were always up to date with those who had moved on years before and those that were still around.



You refused when I offered you one of my kidneys. You told me "I've had two failed transplants, I don't want to chance it again. I don't want to take a good kidney from somebody that needs it. " Joe, That spoke volumes to me. I still wished you would have taken it but I understood.



So, goodbye Joe. I'm glad you are out of pain. You don't have to worry about your blood sugar any longer or be prisoner in your own body. You are free. It was good knowing you.

Tree Cat

After taking some of the feral cats to the Humane Society I found that news travels fast in the cat world and that the word was out that there were vacancies at my house. A new cat decided to move in. Apparently cats have their own social networking that rivals Facebook and MySpace.. and they interact solely by peeing on things. It seems so much more simple and cost effective than buying a computer and subscribing to internet services but for now I think I'll stick to the later of the two although I will certainly keep my options open just in case my financial situation should take a turn for the worse.

The new cat that moved in seems to live in a tree in my front yard. I do not think it's his particular choice of living arrangement but one that has been thrust upon him by the other cats that live under the house. For some reason the other cats derive a particular sense of glee from chasing him up the tree then lay in wait for some misstep that will bring him back down for them to murder or worse, sell him Amway. He is one of the ugliest cats I've ever seen and that could be good reason why they show disdain. I never knew cats were so shallow.

I have named this cat "Froggy Knotts". His meow sounds more like a frog's croak, especially when he is scared and wants me to rescue him, which is quite often. He also shakes like a leaf when he sees another cat and reminds me of all the characters that Don Knotts ever portrayed. Of course it could simply be that he has been approached by way too many Amway selling felines.

Froggy is very loving and affectionate. He will sit beside me on the couch and watch TV with me. He seems much more attentive to movies with Julia Roberts but when we watched "My Best Friends Wedding" he hopped down, went to the fridge and popped open a beer. I wouldn't have minded so much but it was my last one.

Froggy normally just stays in the tree, waiting for me to come outside where he can yell at me that the other cats won't let him come down out of the tree. I just tell him to suck it up because it's the same tree that I had to climb to get away from my older brothers when I was young. If I can do it.. so can he.

I've yet to discover how cats can communicate with one another by spraying urine all around the place. It obviously works just fine.

I will stick to my email and Facebook pages for now but if your front porch starts to obtain a less than fresh odor to it.. it may mean that I came to visit while you were not at home.. and I left a message.

Alas, poor feral cats.. I knew thee well..

Well.. I hated to do it but I had to get rid of some feral cats. There were nine of them in and around my yard. They were entertaining as a barrel of monkeys but the damage they were causing outweighed the entertainment value.

I live in Texas.. It's hot here in case you didn't know. It's also humid. Humidity, heat and cat poop do not a lovely aroma make. If you have ever lived downwind from any type of livestock or maybe a family of hippies, you know how bad it can become in the summertime, which in the state of Texas, starts in December and ends the next October. We get a whole month to enjoy a cool breeze... and when I say "cool breeze" I mean it's a little less stifling than being shoved into a barbecue pit during a cook off.

Anyway.. the poop was getting to be a problem. I wasn't sure if it was the cats or the hippies but I had to do something quickly because when I mowed the yard.. It would fling fresh poo into the open windows of cars passing by. The drivers had the windows open because in Texas, car A/C pretty much gives up after a year or two from sheer exhaustion and probably a bit of depression.

So I went to Home Depot to get an animal trap. I had trouble with that because I never realized how many different types of animal traps were out there. There are traps for squirrels, raccoons, possums and just about any type of animal that may be pooping in your yard. I didn't however, find one for hippies. One thing that surprised me was that NONE of them would say they were for trapping cats. I figured animal activist had complained to the trap manufacturer and thought that if it didn't say it was for trapping wild cats, people wouldn't catch on and leave the cute fluffy things alone.

I live on a very busy street. The cats have a huge propensity for chasing each other out into the street. I'm not sure if it's because they dare each other to run out there or the kitty mafia has a hit out on them for non payment of their ever increasing kibble habit. I'm really tired of seeing them get run over.

They are also under assault from larger wild animals that live in the near by cemetery.

Bottom line is.. its not fair to them to have to live with that danger. I have gotten a couple of them trained where they are receptive to humans but some have been wild for way too long and prefer to stay that way. It's for the best even though my heart tells me differently.

Now if I could just find a place that will take wild hippies...

I am rich.

I've blogged here before about taking care of my dad. It's been a blessing in disguise. At first, I truly thought I was going to be descending into the darkest parts of hades when I saw that he could no longer live alone. I truly sought God out for what he would have me do and I know I did the right thing.

We live on his social security check. It's not always easy and we don't have everything we want but we DO have everything we need. Everything.

I had a broken down Isuzu pickup that would not pass inspection. I had hoped to get it fixed but we couldn't scrape enough money together to do so. The other day I decided to sell it. I put it on Craigslist and as soon as it posted, people started calling, and kept calling. The first person that showed up, bought it. $450.00. It was a good price.

I had some errands to run so I went running around town, I went to the church to give my tithe. Why I didn't wait till Sunday I do not know but I felt compelled to tithe before I spent any of it. I then went to pick up something for my dads lunch. I had not been back in the house but a few minutes when a lady knocked on the front door. She had my wallet in her hand. I did not know I had dropped it. She said she found it down the street.

All the money was gone. I was going to go deposit it but hadn't had time.

I had peace with it. I didn't get upset. God was telling me.. It's going to be ok.

So I decided to ask friends to pray for the person that took it. I want God to bless them for it is His kindness that brings us to repentance. Hopefully, they will realize what they have done and have a change of heart.

Bless those who curse you.

Where Did The Funny Go?

Absolutely nothing funny has happened in the past few months. The cats have been boring except for the ever enlarging rotting spot on Anti-Christ Cats, head. He's feral so he won't let me take him to the vet, even if, by some twist of fate, I WAS able, the vet's spouse would possibly be upset upon learning that he/she has become an instant full time caretaker of an invalid. And no, I don't mean the cat.

Nope, nothing funny or out of the ordinary in my usual humdrum existence. No drunks in my yard, no slips of the tongue from my vocally prolific elderly father, not even a mistimed expulsion of gas while in church (and that is ALWAYS funny)

There WAS a giant Raccoon on my porch the other night but she seemed to be as bored as I was. When I spotted her, she was munching on the cat food, casting a forlorn look at me as if to say
"I was the only one who could get away for mommy's day out, it was either this or eat the kids."
I knowingly nodded to her and wondered how many raccoons were out there, weary, worn, looking for a way out and wondering what their life would be like if they had made better choices and finished high school. At this moment, she's probably behind a Chili's, in the dumpster with her girlfriends, all of them wanting to munch on the discarded buffalo wings yet leaving them untouched because of the calories. They dab tissues at their melting eyeliner and knowingly listen to her vent her frustrations of the search for a husband who will stick around for more than a day or two after the honeymoon.
"He..he..(sniff, sob)..left me (sniff)during the gestational period!! WHAT WRONG WITH MEEEE-HE-HEEEeeeeeee!"
She starts crying uncontrollably, getting the attention of two rodents at the next dumpster who look at each other and shake their heads in disdain. Two of her girlfriends will then excuse themselves to go to the restroom where they will immediately start trashing her while trying to hide the fact that their own relationships were also on the rocks.

While the emotional plight of the raccoon is a cause that somebody will undoubtedly take up one day with telethons chocked full of parading Hollywood stars, it still doesn't help the fact that nothing remotely entertaining has happened lately. Where IS the funny? Where are the intoxicated, the jovial, the accident prone? Why can't there be a controlling, spiteful woman with 8 kids and can't dance be living in MY neighborhood

I have a weak stomach...

I was just in the local 7-11 and I suppose I have been going in there a bit too much. The clerks know me... maybe a bit too well..

I waited for the lady to get to the register from the task she was assigned to. When she walked up, she took a kleenex out and wiped her nose. She then took her index finger, held up the end of her nose and asked me..

"You see any boogers or snot in mah nose?"

I informed her that I did not.

Internally, I was gagging, externally, I was trying to remain poised. Coincidentally, the bag of peppered beef jerky I had just purchased, no longer held my interest.

Another point. My Cat, who I have affectionately named "Spiral Ham Cat" got into a fight with one of the local bully cats. He received a pretty big open head wound. I think I could see his skull. He was a feral cat who could not resist my sparkling personality. Well..that and the 20 pound bag of cat food I had purchased. I guess when you are used to eating moths, crickets and the dead carcasses of roadkill, Cat food is quite the temptation.

I could not pet him. The wound obviously wasn't bothering him much but it sure bothered me. He tried to rub up against me but I simply could not let him. I had to push him away several times. Yes it may sound cruel but it would have been much worse if I perhaps..threw up on him. I'm pretty sure it would have affected our relationship for quite a while.

The Cat Reformatted my Hard Drive

I got a new cell phone the other day. My old cell phone is still in great shape but the print on the screen was getting fuzzier and fuzzier..my arms weren't long enough to get a good focus on it. The cell phone came with software to sync it with my computer. I could manage my address book, daily task and the appointments with my many different psychiatrist (I kid... really)

Well.. the software decided it was going to be ornery. It would not recognize my cell phone when attached.. heck, it wouldn't even give the phone a polite nod as it walked by. Well.. With my vast knowledge of computers (which consist of knowing that you shut it down with the start button)I tried to fix its rudeness. I downloaded this, that and the other and finally hit that restart button and then waited for it to come back up. I waited and waited.. and waited but it apparently was mad at me and refused to get out of bed. It told me there was a corrupted file and I wondered how corrupt it could be. Was it going to slip some pantyhose on its head and rob a 7-11?

After a few hours of frantically trying to bring the puter back to life, I found a hidden system that would restore my settings.

It had two options. One was called a "destructive restore" that destroyed all your files, melted your DVD player and made fun of your weight, the other was a simple light rinse that refreshed your files like a spring rain on your garden.

It started out on the destructive part and you had to choose the lighter part, which is what I wanted.
I brought up the program and then had to leave it to go attend to a waiting task. When I came back, the cat had jumped up on my desk (which he had never, ever done before)and was laying across my keyboard.. with his big-ol foot resting right on the ENTER key. My files were melting right before my eyes and I began to wonder if I looked fat in the jeans I was wearing.

I haven't seen the cat in the last two days but I know he's around. The cat food keeps disappearing. I'm pretty sure he only comes out after I go to bed. I'm guessing he has a few lives left. I know I scared a couple out of him with the scream I let out.

Thanks to a few friends in the IT biz, I finally got the computer back up.

I took that cell phone software and buried it in the back yard in a lead box with a few cloves of garlic and a Bible.

I will have a simple phone.. just to talk on.